I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
