I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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