I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
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i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER