he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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