I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
