I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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