She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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