saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
