I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
