i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
