Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
