The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
