i jhust puked up my retainher.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
