Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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