I got chris browned last night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize