he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
