Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
