just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
