she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
