Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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