Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pants are for mortals
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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