Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
