I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
