did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
