I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she peed on how many people?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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