who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
