There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
