Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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