I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
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They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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