I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
