I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
