At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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