The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
