Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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