Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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