Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
this hospital has no fireball
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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