I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
