Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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