seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
