drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My penis needs a shock collar
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
