i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
