I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
