Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
