Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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