I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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