He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
