um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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