Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
