fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
