Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
