i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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