Don't you send me to vm
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
