One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
