Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
